You know that moment in the original 90210 when Kelly Taylor, standing between Dylan and Brandon, looks at both of them and says “I choose me?” That was revolutionary for Gen X teen girls. I am not Gen X, but I am a geriatric Millennial fan of 90210.
*🎶Biblical electric guitar anthem🎶*Andie Walsh deserved that same moment. “Quirky” *pukes in mouth* girls deserved THAT moment in 1986. THAT’S how the movie should’ve ended… Not Blaaaaane kissing Andie- And not to mention, the gaslighting he did to her at the end... Fucking Blane! I hate Blane! BLAAAAANE was SPINELESS. Irredeemable. Loathsome. Contemptible. And I mean this in absolutely no offense to Andrew McCarthy, whose work I do appreciate. He certainly got the job done.
Hear me out- Steff is the most redeemable male in this entire film. The only smarmy 80’s villain you actually want to end up with the girl at the end. The entire movie, Steff is just expertly serving c*nt to us, and not just because he’s James Spader. Ftr, daddy can still get it. Anytime. On his death bed. I'm on call sir... Nobody's surviving the ride. Not even the bystanders... Just, tossin' this one out... (bring the linen suit). James Spader, my beloved… where was I? James Spader has been somebody’s sexual awakening in every decade since 1980. Every woman, some men, and several people still figuring it out, between the ages of 18 and 73, have had a James Spader moment. You know the one.
*Adjusts posture* Moving along... Steff isn't the actual the villain- He's the most honest character in the film. Immature, reckless, jealous, narcissistic, entitled, spoiled rich kid... but still the most honest. He's NOT OFF the hook, but he's the most likeable. Steff actually liked Andie, despite his obvious character flaws. Underneath her self-respect and understandable contempt for him, there was actual chemistry. BLANE is the actual villain. Steff knew what he was. Blane pretended. Oh fuck Blane... I FUCKING HATED BLANE!!! *Literally shouting this out loud* Duckie was almost equally terrible as the original "nice guy" blueprint, but Duckie had potential for growth.
Pretty in Pink 2: Ten years later
Blane is exactly where you’d expect him to be: Married to someone appropriate, someone his parents approved of, someone he doesn’t love. He’s in finance. He coaches little league and he’s miserable and he deserves it.
Duckie is… Fine actually. Grew out of it. Still besties with Andie. Plays bass in TWO bands.
Andie? Andie is running an independent record label out of Los Angeles. It’s somewhere off Sunset. She found her people. She’s good.
And Steff?
Steff calls her record label after getting out of rehab and doing “the work.” Not because he planned to. Because he might be on step 9… and she’s on the list. Okay, you know what? Scratch that- Anyone who’s ever received one of these apologies, knows that they’re not always (or even usually) welcome… They’re for the asshole apologizing (that’s another blog). He did coke for a decade and after a spectacularly ugly divorce and blowing through most of his trust fund, somewhere in the wreckage he realized the only person he was ever actually honest with was the redhead he spent 4 years terrorizing in the hallways of a high school he barely remembers.
She calls him back. That’s what I have for you all.
If John Hughes were still alive, I would tell him this: You owe every woman an apology for Judd Apatow movies.
